His Name Is Angryonio | Dr. Antonio Harrison

The fundamental philosophical question every individual should ask and answer for

themselves, at some point in life, is, “Who am I?” The quest to unearth this revelation without

use of the labels society provides is a daunting task or at least it has been for me. As a lifelong

athlete, when the game and competition was stripped from me unwillingly, I was left with a lack

of identity. I no longer was what I believed to be.

The only solace I found during the years of life after sport was the character quality I had acquired of self-discipline. Still, I ask myself, “What is the point of being disciplined when there is no moment to express my hard work in front of others, against an opponent? This doubt gave way to the fiends from within that love to feed on self-sabotage making a disciplined approach all that more difficult. These demons win the battle more often than I would like and cause a feeling of shame, guilt, and self-pity before I dust myself off and start my disciplined routine once more. This process finds itself on wash, rinse, and repeat. That is, until I decided to meet them.

While enjoying my moving meditation of swimming a mile three times a week, I found

myself being reintroduced to each of my masked characters. They came to me in the form of

nicknames I was provided over the last 39 years of my life. Each nickname illuminated a time

and space where depending on how you greet me, I am aware of the experience I share with

that person and am faced with the complexity of my existence.

Tony is the child who did nothing but play sports and enjoy life, even when it was riddled with drugs, violence, and incarceration within the four walls of my childhood home. Tonio is the neighbourhood representation that is a bit rough around the edges and only lasted a few years of my youth until he resurfaced in college to become the all-encompassing and self-indulgent. He teeters between making the right choices in an intelligent manner, being loyal, and choosing to do as he pleases regardless of the debris he leaves in his wake.

Angryonio is the one you need to stand next to you or you will incur the wrath of every absence of light from within his being. This nickname was given by my best friends and college football teammates.

Though that era of mischief has long lapsed, when Angryonio comes out to play as an

adult, all bets are off. He does and he pleases, when he pleases, and with whom he pleases.

The embrace of Antonio, my birth given name, is the responsible adult that garners respect and

your experience of him depends on the environment for which you engage. Antonio gave birth

to Dr. Harrison, a figure of great respect who is sought out for advice, mentorship, and

teachable moments.

Coach Harrsion stood tall and proud on a football field coaching young boys to become young men in a world where the notion of masculinity is misconstrued. Let’s not forget about the most precious title, Daddy. It is the greatest nickname I have ever been given the honor to earn and the one I enjoy the most. I know one day it will simply become Dad, but I will still hold it in the highest regard. Today, Coach Doc stands on stage for the public at large to help others embrace their inner Warrior through motivation, love, and compassion by simply holding a mirror up for others to self-discover. That covers the characters that lie within and from these delineations, the self-sabotaging culprate emerges. His name is Angryonio.

Here I was, swimming at the local YMCA amongst the various senior citizens in the community at 6:30 a.m. on an irrelevant Tuesday to find I am on the verge of finally answering the question of who I am and extending the question by asking, “Who do I want to be?” Some of these characters have survived but only in the context of momentary experiences like running into an old acquaintance or visiting friends from the past. All new encounters are presented with

Antonio, Dr. Harrison, or Coach Doc. I then turn my attention to Angryonio and his purpose.

This beast is starved of attention, access to the world, and all things fun, though that usually means the indulgence of vice-like behaviors. Through a disciplined routine of committing to the

elevation and development of self, I am now confronted with the continued existence of

Angryonio.

When his starvation edges toward famine, he tips the scales to balance life and gorges

himself to the point of a food coma. The timetable runs as six months of discipline, where

“appropriate” behavior is prioritized in a self-disciplined regimen. At that point, the beast leaps

from the depths of the darkest cave, foaming at the mouth, looking to ravage all in sight, for

about three months. During these three months, all “inappropriate” behavior is authorized and

declared mandatory. When Angryonio retires to his lair, Antonio scrambles to pick up the pieces

and reassemble a productive existence. Wash, rinse, and repeat. The cycle continues. Back to

the local YMCA swimming pool.

As I swim the 56th lap, a realization occurs that the answer to who I am, may forever be

outside of my grasp. That this may be the point for all of it, the constant evolution of

self-actualization. My attention shifts to the question that allows me to take action. Who do I

want to be? In order to solidify my answer or find some peace in the navigational choices of my

current journey, it seems I must invite Angryonio for a drink with Antonio, but I only have 10

more laps before I hit the mile marker and my swim reservation, that is now a required process.

As a result of Covid-19, concludes. I send the invitation in hopes that he will join me. Two days

later, I returned to the pool to find Angryonio holding a bottle of Scotch, a pack of cigarettes, a

couple of pre-rolled joints, and surrounded by beautiful women. His smile was radiant. He is

rarely invited to see the light and for this moment, he is beyond thankful. Our conversation

commences.

Antonio: It’s a bit early for that, man!

Angryonio: Come on! You invite me here and insult the gifts I bring for you?

Antonio: By no means did I intend to insult you but it’s 6:30 in the morning and I got shit to do

after this. How about a cigarette and a small glass of Scotch?

Angryonio: On the rocks or neat?

Antonio: Neat

Angryonio: My man!

(There is nothing like first sip of a well-aged Scotch and a pull of tobacco)

Angryonio: So what’s up? I got your invite and assumed it was time to get down. I saw the pool

and thought we were gonna have a party with skin showing, drinks flowing, and fun being had.

But this looks like an old folks home.

Antonio: We have to talk.

Angryonio: Talk to me. I’ll talk back!

Antonio: You will, huh?! I never thought about that.

Angryonio: Yeah, cause you never invite me anywhere. I love hanging out with you. We have so

much fun but you starve me to a point of weakness that I simply have to take over. You’re lucky

though.

Antonio: Why am I lucky?

Angryonio: I choose to go back after I get my fill. I could just stay and have whatever I want, but

I love you. We have had some epic moments in time and our stories are pure gold.

Antonio: I thought you hated me.

Angryonio: Are you crazy? My very existence is predicated on your wellbeing. If you stay alive,

so do I.

Antonio: I never really looked at it like that. I guess that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I

wanted to apologize.

Angryonio: For what?

Antonio: For not feeding you. For not talking with you or loving you. For not caring about you

and what you mean to me. You have given me moments of pure bliss and moments of complete

destruction. Our relationship runs the full spectrum of the human experience.

Angryonio: I give you destruction?!

Antonio: Well, I didn’t mean it like that.

Angryonio: What the hell did you mean? Let me give you an opportunity to rephrase that

statement to ensure I am not misunderstanding or we will have a misunderstanding and you

know you don’t want that...

Antonio: That! That, right there. That’s what I mean. I feel out of control when you’re around and

it’s the reason I starve you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Angryonio: But I only get like that because you starve me. All I ever want to do is protect you,

protect those you love, and give you a moment to relax and let your hair down. Wait, you're

bald!!! Hahahaha

Antonio: You got jokes. Okay. But in all seriousness. You can be scary and I can get lost in your

grip for months on end. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever return.

Angryonio: You don’t have to worry about that, man.

Antonio: How can I not?

Angryonio: Cause I am you. You are I. I am completely self-aware enough to know that without

you, yeah, I may have fun for a few years but I will meet an epic and horrific end, and that is the

last thing I want. I love being alive. I just wish you didn’t act as though I didn’t.

Antonio: You’re pretty damn smart aren’t you?

Angryonio: Don’t play dumb. You know who I am.

Antonio: I do. You are I and I am you.

Angryonio: Now you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

Antonio: I have to admit, I was scared to talk to you. I didn’t know what to expect and was

worried you would just assume the lead.

Angryonio: I am here to be of service to you. Haven't you figured that out yet?

Antonio: But when I am on the right track, disciplined and focused, you come and rip that to

shreds. How is that being of service to me?

Angryonio: Because I am exposing the truth. You think your “discipline” advances self and puts

you on some path towards greatness. You aren’t self-aware, because you refuse to

acknowledge all of you. This disciplined version of you is merely a routine. Yeah, it helps you be

productive and it brings forth new opportunities but don’t you think I do the same?

Antonio: I never thought about that but I still don’t understand how you do the same for me.

Angryonio: (shaking his head and sighing) What do you tell everyone on your podcast or in your

keynote talks about the opposite? Antonio: That everything inherently has an opposite, otherwise it wouldn’t exist. There would be

no light without dark, love without hate, beauty without ugliness, and justice without injustice.

Angryonio: You see?

Antonio: I do. There is no you without me and no me without you.

Angryonio: You catch on fast my friend. I knew I loved you.

Antonio: I see. But why does it have to be so extreme with you? Why do you take it so far?

Angryonio: Because you go so extreme the other way! You don’t feed me, you don’t

acknowledge me, and you don’t show me any love. It’s like you’re embarrassed of me and that

hurts.

Antonio: I’m sorry, for everything. You’re right and I do love you. I just didn’t know how to show

it. We have had some amazing moments that I will never forget for as long as I live.

Angryonio: We have had a lot of fun. You remember that time in New York?!

Antonio: Let’s stay on track here.

Angryonio: Look! If you feed me, love me, and allow me to be a part of your world voluntarily,

you will get a different version of Angryonio, one that you can control and negotiate with

masterfully. But, it requires me to have the same authority with Antonio. Then we can come to a

decision, in any moment, together, that we both agree upon. I know sometimes you will win and

other times, it will be my show to host. Overall though, I would love for us to coexist.

Antonio: I like that. And it’s an approach we have never tried.

Angryonio: Sounds like fun, right?!

Antonio: Honestly, it does!

Angryonio: Yes!

Antonio: So be it, my friend. Both shall be fed equally to be used strategically.

Angryonio: I’m so excited! Take another drink or hit this joint.

Antonio: No, we still got to get our exercise in and it’s still before sunrise. But… How about

tonight, me and you, enjoying each other’s company in the backyard with good music, family,

and friends? We can BBQ and eat a little unhealthy food, have our vices and laugh the night

away. And when everyone leaves, we will watch a horror movie together. What do you say?

Angryonio: It’s a deal but only if you promise to wake up early and get your meditation,

journaling, and workout in before the kids have to go to school.

Antonio: Promise!

Angryonio: Well, what’s for dinner?